I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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