I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
