Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
