i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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