one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
