If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
