proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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