i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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