My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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