my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
