Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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