Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just want nice things and good sex
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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