I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the condom got lost in my hair
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
