Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
