Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think my moral compass just broke
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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