i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
