so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
