I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize