Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
