this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
