i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
