You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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