Even water is tasting like jack daniels
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
