I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
