booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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