so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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