i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
