Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
