break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize