we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
