is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
