time to smoke my breakfast
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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