He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
