i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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