my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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