I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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