fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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