he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
zippers are such a cool invention
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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