I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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