woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize