Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
