Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
