WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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