i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
