Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
