I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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