John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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