I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
