she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
