he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
