If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
