I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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