not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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