A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize