fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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