If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
