What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
