I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
