when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize