I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
