So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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