If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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