I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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